Bad Dominos

Today is such a stressful day. So many things went wrong. This morning Rei didn't want to wear her pants after changing diaper. So I had to wear it when she was trying to stand. But at the same time she was trying to reach for her baby chair and while doing it, she slipped and knocked her right eye on the chair. I was a bit frustrated already at that time when she cried from that. Actually did not know it was quite painful for her because after that, there is a bruise forming on her lower right eye. I felt bad. I was already frustrated because I feel like our breakfast is very long. Same goes for the dinner last night. And while I was trying to finish my food, Rei of course gets more and more impatient because first, sometimes parents don't like to see her feeding by herself as she is messy. Second, she likes to throw her food and that increases my stress as my parents are watching. So sometimes I had to feed her one piece of vegetable by one piece. And that also frustrates me. Ugh. Anyway, it all adds up to today making me feeling angry inside. 

After the eye knocking, I went back into the AV room with her. She played around and I was trying to control my emotions of the day. Then when I was trying to close the sliding door slowly, at the last minute, she sneaked in her tiny little fingers between the closing gap and of course kena her fingers. Then she cried. It was not bad actually and I could handle it but it got worse when mum entered and accused me of not being careful. And then added on that I should just be a teacher and let her take care of Rei. Like. What. The. Fuck. I hate this kind of convo. Just blardy hate. Then my anger built back inside of me. But of course I tamed it because this is a losing battle if I say back at her. I just kept quiet and then let her handle Rei and quickly took a nap. Ugh.

After lunch, I wanted to do something fun for Rei. I bought dyes so that I can dye art stuffs for her. So I mixed some flour and water with red and yellow and blue dyes. Rei played with the paint for maybe 5 to 10 minutes and then she got distracted. I think its because her diaper was getting full and that's usually her attention span for such activity. Anyway, the whole process was stressful for me because when I was preparing the paint for her, I could feel my mum's disapprovement almost to mocking. She whispered to my dad about this small activity. I just ignored. But it got to me because when Rei was playing, I was feeling stressed because I want her to really play with the paint to show to my mum that she likes it. But I stopped myself from forcing her to play longer and all because I know that's not right. Though inside of me, I could feel the anger again at this situation. Right when Rei stopped playing, mum came to see and mentioned that Rei is just too young to play with this kind of things. Undertone is I am wasting time. I just said this is messy play. Don't think she understand that but to hell. 

Just when I thought the day is done with bad feelings, Yang told me that the Swedish team is halting their project because the leader got sick and would not know when will recover. Freaking big blow to both of us. I was upset. Yang was upset. It looks like this Swedish project is going to be scrapped and we are back to feeling anxious about our finance. The plan to move out from our parents' houses also going to be scrapped too because we won't have enough money to sustain every month. Really really.....disappointing. And frustrating. But when I turned on the Bible app wanting some comfort from God, the verse of the day is Joshua 1:9, which is my verse. Lord, teach me how to live that verse please for I do not know how.

We shall grief today and rise up again tomorrow.